Where is the Village? Combating Bullying

While bullying is not a new issue in schools, in light of the recent headlines on bullying victims committing suicides, we as a country are witnessing the evolution of bullying among children and young adults. In the past, when I was growing up, there were taunting, throwing objects, pointing, spreading rumors, and name-calling. In the late 20th to the early 21st century, bully victims took matters in their own hands and shoot up their harassers...and several others. Now, bully victims are feeling more worthless by resorting to emotional breakdown and suicides. In the past month or so, there has been too many stories of "bullycides" i.e., bully-induced suicides, caused primarily by cyberbullying i.e., bullying via online or text messaging. These stories break my heart every time I hear one.

Cyberbulling raises the antics up a notch due to its accessibility to a larger audience, anonymous postings, and mobility i.e., the message can travel with the child from location to location since anything posted online never really goes away. Consequently, cyberbullying intensifies the rhetoric, making the victims feel defenseless and hopeless. Therefore, there is a sense of urgency for something to be done. Why are our bullied children killing themselves? Why isn't enough being done to combat all forms of bullying, especially cyberbullying? In one of my Facebook postings on the bullying issue, one of my friends responded as follows:

I think the the problem is 3 fold. First I think you have parents that are letting the television raise their children. then you have kids that are less [resilient] and, for lack of a better word, weaker than older generations. and finally you have a whole new level of bullying thanks to texting and the internet.

In a different posting about bullying, another friend alluded to the same thing:

WOW! This bullying thing is way out of control. These kids are so much weaker nowadays. I could only pray that my princess is strong minded, confident, a leader, GOD fearing and able to talk to me about ANYTHING. I feel bad for these young kids who felt that suicide was the only way out.

Cited in a recent blog entry, Rachel Simmons, an author and expert on girls, relationships, and aggression, made an interesting observation regarding bullying:

...we have turned public humiliation into entertainment and our children are seeing hours of programming where the main theme is snark, sarcasm and put-downs. We are schooling them in how to be rude and cruel, presented under the guise of family fare on the Disney Channel and Nick.

I agree with their assessments. We now have a generation of kids who feel entitled to have whatever they want and do whatever they please. This same generation was raised on TV and autonomy due to changing family structure and life at work for their parents. For kids today, life outside of the home isn't that great either, with so many temptations to do wrong, safety issues, and the sense of "I don't care about you; it's all about me" sentiment that many have embraced. The village today is doing a poor job in raising children to be self-loving, self-worthy, self-assertive, and self-sufficient. We are now witnessing the one of the fruits of our lack of labor.

So what can we now do to combat bullying? We will not experience success until we as a village come together in a collegial manner.  Everyone in the village must do their part in staying inform via research. The following are some suggestions in combating all forms of bullying:

1. Teachers and School Counselors
• Be proactive, empathetic, and visible around school
• Report ALL incidents of bullying to school administration
• Confront bullies responsibly
• Seek and attend anti-bullying training
• Teach and model students good character traits and digital citizenship etiquette
• Create and support anti-bullying clubs, programs, and activities at school
2. School Administrators
• Be proactive, empathetic, and visible around school
• Create a school climate of tolerance and acceptance
• Train faculty and school staff in anti-bullying initiatives
• Confront bullies responsibly
• While seeking both sides of the story, remain impartial, yet consistently express intolerance of all forms of bullying
• Provide support for bullied victims
• Work with bullies in changing their behaviors
• Create anti-bullying clubs and programs at school with faculty, school staff, and students

• Approve and support school-sponsored anti-bullying activities, character education, and digital citizenship initiatives
3. Government
• Create and pass anti-bullying legislation --> 45 of 50 states have such laws, with the latest being Missouri
• Invest in anti-bullying initiatives
• Hold schools accountable for bullying-induced incidents that occur in schools
• Refrain from trivializing and politicizing anti-bullying efforts and legislation --> Shame on you!
4. Community
• Support anti-bullying initiatives and activities in and outside of schools
• Engage in anti-bullying public awareness endeavors
• Work with parents, schools, and the local police to combat bullying
• Encourage, and when necessary, force entertainment media outlets to not show TV programs or market movies, video games, music, etc. that promote any form of bullying
5. Parents
• Talk to your children about bullying and tolerance
• Teach your children self-defense and assertiveness
• Request changing classrooms or changing schools
• Document all complaints and communication efforts made to schools
• Put pressure on school officials to act via frequent school visits, media contact, and/or legal actions
• Unite and collaborate with other parents of bullied children
• Contact the bully's parents and discuss your concerns
• Seek informal and professional support for your child
• Support school-sponsored anti-bullying activities, clubs, and programs
• Don't assume all adults will properly look after your child
• Continue to advocate for your child's physical, mental, and emotional well-beings
• Monitor sudden changes in your child's behavior and ask him/her questions
• Do not erase online/text messages evidence; report bullying incidents to Internet Service Providers and the police --> cyberbullying can be traced!
• When necessary, report incidents to law enforcement
6. Bullied Victims
• Don't respond to bullies and don't befriend bullies
• Learn to defend yourself and practice being assertive. Walk tall and hold your head up
• Try to avoid getting physical with bullies
• Block the cyberbully
• Show tolerance to others -- two wrongs do make it right!
• Understand that accusations, allegations, criticisms, taunts, etc. that the bullies makes ARE FALSE! There is NO VALIDITY in bullies' claims
• Remember that bullies have personal issues, weaknesses, and shortcomings of their own --> that's why they do what they do.
• Don't relinquish control to the bully
• Limit online communication with those you trust
• Keep a diary to express and release your feelings
• Tell a trusted adult --> the more, the better. Talk about it with someone you can trust
• Find and make TRUE friends

Speaking of parents, last month, one parent made national headlines when he went on his daughter's school bus and "went off" on the children present and the bus driver; his daughter was a victim of bullying on that particular school bus. While I don't condone the explicit language used and the parent losing his temper on the bus, I do condone a support his efforts in combating bullying against his daughter. Below is an update on his situation on the TODAY show:



In closing, I would like to share my personal account. As a bullying victim myself growing up, I didn't experience the devastating long-lasting impact of childhood bullying until I became an adult. While I am still a work in progress, I am a testament of bullying survival. Below are some excerpts of an anti-bullying speech I gave to a group of kids one afternoon in 2004:

I came from a home where I am the oldest of three girls, raised by a single mother who worked hard and went through some things to provide for us... I went to three different elementary schools, three different middle schools, and one high school. During my elementary school years, I spent many days hospitalized for reconstructive surgeries on my lazy left eye and my club left foot; they were caused by birth defects. The eye surgeries were unsuccessful. Fortunately, my leg surgery was a one-time success. However, I still had to go to school with a brown, plastic leg brace for nearly two months. My classmates and “so-called friends” made fun of me and pushed me around. It happened almost everyday...

During my middle school years, things had become worse. I was still being teased and pushed around. I also began to experience blatant rejections from my peers. For example, in PE classes, no one wanted me on their team. I didn’t have many REAL friends. I was in some fights, in which I lost them all. I was treated like a misfit from the “hood”.

One memorable time was when I was in the seventh grade... Almost everyday, the kids on the bus made sure I didn’t have a seat. I had to stand up and deal with being the center of their cruel attention. I was teased, mocked and pushed around. They also used to throw objects – mainly paper balls – at me. The bus driver did little or nothing. It took my grandmother, who walked with me to the bus stop one morning and told him off, to get a seat reserved for me in the front of the bus. You see, I was the last child he picked up each morning. In the afternoon, most of the kids rushed to get on the bus before I did. And because I was scared of those kids, it was Grandma to the rescue!...

Since college, I have been through and have overcome many obstacles. However, my perception of myself was looking gloomy and more gloomy as the years past by. I had low self–esteem, became more sheltered and a regular homebody, didn’t try new things because I was afraid to, and became obsessed in trying to get people to like me; it was so bad that many people used me in the worse possible ways. I was very naïve and not too street-savvy, I was a modern day hermit. Sometimes, I even looked down on others because of the things that happened to me...

So, you see, the person being bullied could possibly suffer some detrimental consequences when he/she becomes an adult – especially if that person was raised in an unstable household, like I was. Most bullies could careless how their victims feel or how their antics will affect them in the long run. BUT I HAVE A WARNING FOR YOU BULLIES – YOU WILL REAP WHAT YOU’VE SOWN! Whatever you do to others, it will happen to you or someone you love, like your own children or sisters and brothers. Many of my bullies – especially those who were on that bus – didn’t graduate, went to jail, are on drugs, got pregnant before they made 17, got caught up in the welfare/prison system, are abused by others, and some are even dead. I don’t know why they did what they did, but they either paid for it or are paying for it now.

And to the victims, I would like to give you four pieces of advice:

·         First, love and appreciate the person you are. 

·         Second, recognize and celebrate your strengths and weaknesses.

·         Third, don’t let others shape what you think about yourself.

·         Finally, learn to stand up for yourself...

I know at this time of your life, some of you really care about what others think or say about you. Let me tell you something. People come and people go. Some of your friends/enemies here... may not be around in the future...

In closing, the video clip below was produced by a young male who is a bullying victim. Despite some graphic content, I felt his work was informative and empowering. There is hope and help available to survive bullying; you're not alone.



For more information on combating bullying, please view the following links to online resources:

• Making A Difference for Kids, Inc
• Bully Police USA
• WiredSafety

Evil will happen when good people remain silent.